I had my 4th beta draw this morning. Luckily there were NO happily pregnant women in the office so waiting wasn't nearly as gut wrenching as the last time. Side note, I don't think I mentioned the pregnant teenager who was bitching about having to drink the glucose crap for her GD test did I? Yeah, last time I went for my blood draw it took forever because the tech was waiting for a "woman" who was running late for her GD test. She failed to mention the girl was young with her boyfriend who had pants hanging around his ass. Not that I'm judging. Not all young parents are idiots, but seriously, they were the cliche pregnant kids. He was complaining about having to wait, she didn't understand why they wouldn't let her go home and there I was. Quietly bouncing my legs as I waited so I could get my draw done and flee the office. Under normal circumstances, I probably wouldn't have noticed them. Luckily the tech called me back right as the expectant mother started complaining about her gaining 15 pounds this pregnancy and never being able to fit into a bikini again. I'm not kidding.
Anyways, this morning was quick, easy and relatively painless. I was able to make it to work on time and go about my day. Thankfully I was so busy I couldn't see straight. Being busy helps. Not staring at the clock, holding my breath, waiting for my cell to ring with the results makes time feel like it's moving just a tad faster. I will get my results tomorrow. I want them, but I don't want them. As much as I am trying to NOT hold onto that hope my heart can't help it. I so badly want the medical assistant to call and say "holy moly your betas went way up and are now in the way healthy range" instead of the "your betas went up, slightly." Even though I know she won't have fantastic news, it will still sting when I actually hear it.
The next step in this god awful process is my follow up u/s on Wednesday afternoon. Although, that's only if the tech gets out of jury duty. If he doesn't, then lord knows when I'll have that u/s. I hope sooner rather than later. I need closure. I need to know. It will have been 10 days between u/s's so I'm sure if there was going to be progress, they would see it. Honestly, I have no feelings about the u/s. I want it and don't want it. I want to know, but I don't want to know.
To add insult to injury, my body still hasn't figured out that the baby stopped developing. Though my betas are in that "blighted ovum" range, my boobs are still killing me, I still have cramps, my back still hurts, I still have to pee every 5 minutes and I'm hungry all the time. I have all my original pregnancy symptoms. It's playing horrible tricks on my mind, but mostly my heart. My head says my body will catch on, while my heart screams "it's a sign! Your baby is still there!" At this point, I just generally loathe my body, every little part of it.
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